Cruciform Shield/十字盾
April 25
“I bring not peace, but a sword.”
I laughed — you are Prometheus, but I am the spark.
This, too, is a shield.
Did you know?
In those moments,
Like flecks of light,
Souls
would flicker past my eyes,
enter from one side, exit the other,
endlessly spinning, circling—
And I
Felt nothing. Only silenced.
And truly — how adorable—
Everything of mine seemed a joke.
A secret:
The crushing pressure of the deep sea
and the towering heights on the ground surface (the mountains)
are one and the same.
I didn’t meet anyone new
All days trapped in this shrinking room, bored. Repetition, so what?
Drained my vitality.
What to eat
I’ve become a devourer of books.
Occasionally finding near-expired effervescent tablets —
the vitamins are my only sustenance.
At last, I live the way that I dreamed, that is —
swallowing nothing but vitamins and knowledge.
Over 250,000 books are wrestling with my fingers.
Today, the poet announces her failure.
The 25th
You know, in all these days,
I watched the sky and the earth keeping each other company from dawn to dusk.
but earth — where is earth?
To the one I love:
I’ve been overly tired.
I am, in your lucid dreams. May there still be a restful place of waterspring.
So, how should one speak of all this?
In the end day of endless unrest, finding one drop of sweetness.
How to soothe this hunger for sweetness?
— As if you truly wanted it.
If I lose the thing I survive on,
I lose myself.
Fortunately, you’re here, and I have returned.
How to nourish the body?
The absent have never been eternally absent
Creation was not created by you
How not to be afraid?
It’s all alright now.
You were an angel in that first encounter.
All that I could never describe — only you could understand.
And then again, again I forgot. I am sorry — but who are you?
For a forever state of drunkenness will leave me beyond waking
With what shall I write books for you at that time?
“I’m going to the bathroom, and wash my underwear.”
“Drown all the Germans and the British there.”
The way all this connects makes it hard to care about anything.
You got it wrong. I’m not Hitler. Most times, I am only — the possessionless.
The one that owns nothing in war is me. Thus,
the soul of your remaining country is also me.
They will become many statues on this land
Yet I cannot bear to pluck out your heart
You are my second-failed creation/
What should I do with you when you cannot be pinned by eternity?
This has betrayed my initial intention.
In the old days, remembering many people after reading a book.
I once swore I would find you
before I finished the last page
Everything is a promise till then.
“Now, I’ve placed all my hope upon my hope.”
I am Hope equals No Future.
Everything is a hybrid of the past, truly disappointing.
If avoiding all that’s been made, then I couldn’t write another word.
Writing is an annoying repetition
One day, I’ll pick up a brush again,
only to paint the never-was.
And now that’s an oath too. Don’t say you won’t keep it.
At the moment of hesitation you’ve lost everything.
Great, a person lacking everything is still my hope.
The sun rests in the west, here serene.
I need to cross the Atlantic and reach the opposite coasts, maybe thus meet your father,
knowing such a person since I was eleven.
And the end state is one.
Liberated from individual wars,
I wrestled you from the microbiome.
From rainfall,
From every sapling I’ve newly collected —
You are the One.
Do you know the world is one?
I heard our DNA is being harvested.
You once told me you didn’t want to go to America
Would you go to Mars now?
Sure, a facepalm again, quite funny.
A three-story wave comes — what a shame I live on the sixth floor, so it turns into rain instead
— Turns out filling my shell “Just do anything to scrape by” Be a siren or something
I threw open my window, letting wind and tide rush endlessly through.
Carrying that indomitable, fragile fear
Swore for the third time that I would write every word I could think of.
Even if prophecy is terrifying — from the bottom of my heart — my whole body is trembling,
so the clouds trembled together, the sky roared too.
For they loathe the fearless, and will punish with fiercer storms.
When you write too much, the words conquer you.
How to write an exquisite work yet be seen through by no one yet imperiously screaming: *help me*
Then my ship came, saving me from life and death.
IT
DID
NOT
SAVE
ME
SAVE
SAVE
ME
I drowned on Miguel Street.
“我不是来送和平，而是剑。”
我笑了，你是普罗米修斯，但我却是火种啊。
这也是盾啊。
你知道吗
在那些时间里
光点般的
灵魂
会一个一个从我眼前掠过
从一边进 从另一边出
永无止境地循环轮转
而我
一无所感 只是静默
而真可爱我的所有一切都像是个玩笑一样
一个秘密：
海下、海底的高压
与地表高耸之处（山脉）的高压一体
我没有遇到过任何新人
终日百无聊赖地被困住这小小房间里 重复又怎样呢
夺取我的生机
吃什么呢
变成了啃书的人
偶尔找到几片临近保质期的泡腾片
里面的维生素是我唯一的营养来源
我终于过上了以前梦想的生活，那就是——
除了维生素与知识，我什么都不会吞咽
超过二十五万册的书本在同我的手指打架
诗人今天宣布他失败了
二十五号
你知道 在所有的日子里
我看着天朝暮相处
地 哪里才是地
至我爱的人
我已经好累了
我在 你清明的梦里 愿仍有一处水源落脚之处
所以，要如何诉说这一切呢
在彷徨不可终日的终日里 终于觅得一口甘甜
要如何解决那种对甜腻的饥渴呢?
仿佛你真的想要似的
如果失去了赖以生存的
就失去了自我
还好你在这里、我回来了
如何贡给身体以养料呢
缺失者不曾恒久缺失
创造并非你造的
如何不害怕呢
已经没事了。
你是一个天使 在我遇到的那时
那些我无法描述的 只你懂得
很快又 不记得了 不好意思啦 你谁啊
因为长久的醉使我一醉不起的
那时我拿什么写书给你呢？
“我去上个厕所，再把内裤洗了。”
“淹死所有的德国人和英国人。”
这一切建立联系的方式，让人什么都难以在乎
您搞错了，我并不是希特勒，很多时候，我只是一种——一无所有者
在战争中一无所有的人是我，因此
你未亡国的灵魂也是我
将会在这片土地上 成为许多雕塑
但我却不忍心将你的心取出
你是我第二次报废的艺术品
我该拿你怎么办 当你无法被永恒定住
这已经违背了我的初衷
旧时代里，看一本书就记下许多人
我曾发誓我会去找你们
在我看完这本书之前
一切都是诺言
“现在，我把所有的希望寄托在了我的希望上”
我是希望就是没有未来的
一切都是过去混杂出的 这真叫人失望
若是避免一切已产生的，我连一个字都无法再写
写作是一种恼人的重复
有一天我会再执起画笔
只为画那从未有过的
而这也是一个誓言了 别说你不会遵守
在犹疑时你就失去了一切
太好了，一个缺少一切的人仍然是我的希望
夕阳西下，此处静谧
我得越过大西彼岸，说不定见到你父亲
从十一岁时就认识这么一个人
而终焉一体
从个体的战争中解脱
我从微生物群里争夺你
从降雨
从我新收来的一棵棵树苗
你是全体
你知不知道世界是一体
而我听说我们的DNA数据在被收集
以前你跟我说你不想去美国
现在你想不想去火星？
肯定又是扶额 真好笑了
三层楼高的海浪来了 可惜我住在六楼 就化成雨
倒是填满我的贝壳 “随便干点什么来挣钱糊口” 当个海妖啊之类的
我推开了我的窗户 让风与海潮无止境地穿堂而过
带着永不言败的脆弱的惧意
第三次发誓要写下每一个我想到的字
即使预言是可怕的 我由衷地 我浑身都在颤抖了
于是云也一并颤抖 天也吼叫
因他们厌恶这无惧意者 势必以更猛烈的风雨惩罚
当你写了太多就容易被文字征服
如何写一部精美的作品不被任何人看出而嚣张地呐喊着help me
于是我的船就来了，救我于生死之中
没
能
得
救
救
救
我
我在米格尔街溺水了。
